Almost 30 hours since I was there, in the hospital, struggling to deliver my baby. I had prepared months in advance for this moment, so that everything could be perfect. But it was not. It was far away from being perfect and I will tell you why. I had my wake up call the moment the nurse called my doctor and I could hear “Madam, we are preparing you for an emergency C-SECTION! Your baby’s heart gives signs of weakness!”. That was it! I was on the ground! What could I have possibly done so wrong, so that my “perfect” plan to fail so badly?
I had enough time to reflect about this moment the months that followed and I think this might have been the trigger moment of my depression. I was convinced I have failed! As a mother, as a woman and ultimately myself! All I could think about where all those wonderful stories I have read about the amazing deliveries that many of the mothers had before me. All I could think was, I did not work enough to have the perfect moment, to be the perfect human being at that moment. I wanted a non medicated delivery, water birth style. Instead, I had 16 hours of unmedicated labor and another 15 hours where slowly but surely had to accept all the procedures a hospital applies for this situation.
I had to hit the ground so that I can finally look inside me, so that I can finally realize I was trained to be a perfectionist, to be an achiever! Every time in my life I was not one, I put myself on the floor and passed over my "self", criticizing and blaming me for all that I could not do. My father's voice haunted me for years and became my worse critic. It became my inner critic. For a long time I believed that this inner critic was what helped me move forward, get to my goals, achieve, but instead it did nothing but harm. This voice was not tolerant, did not love, did not accept mistakes.
I guess I had to accept one of my biggest lessons from the tiniest human being, my son. Being perfect does not have all the answers, having the "perfect" plan actually means having nothing at all and that momentum, self-love and self-acceptance are the "perfect" ingredients for an imperfect life instant.
How about you my dear? What is your inner voice telling you when things are not as perfect as expected?
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Until next time, take care!