Phone rings, it is late in the evening. Her voice seems a little bit odd. I know her, but I can barely understand what she is speaking and I think ‘’Oh God, she is drunk again, what now’’ ? I knew her, she was and still is, my uncle’s girlfriend. What followed shattered everything I knew...
‘’You deserve to die, you are a zero, you are a s**t ! You do not belong to this family, you should be ashamed ! You know what you are? You are a wh***’s daughter who dumbed you like trash ! You should be so grateful for the chance you had to even be looked at by your parents!’’
I can write these words now because I am detached, but at that moment, they went right through my flesh, right through my bones. I was 22 and this was the call that confirmed me I was adopted.
I always had this strange feeling I did not belong to the parents I had and the village I was living in. My mother used to cry every Saturday evening in front of a TV show called ‘’Surprises, surprises’’. It was mainly about families rediscovering lost children. Each time I asked her why she was crying, she would reply ‘’You’ll understand when you grow up !’’. It was actually the main thing I heard whenever I had a more intrusive question. Imagine my desire of growing up only by hearing those words ! My mother’s misery felt like a total mystery and I was burning with desire to find out why. I guess my detective-like personality comes from the fact that deep down I knew I was living a fake life.
I was living in the countryside, where you have to follow nature’s cycles and use the ground’s richness in order to get the food. My father used to tease me every time I could not do a more ‘’manly’’ activity by saying ‘’I wish I had a son that could help me more on the field !’’.
I think I always knew something was not right, but I loved my parents and believed every single word they told me. So when my mother told me I will understand when I will grow up, I felt was not smart enough to get it and when my father expressed his wish to have a boy instead, I felt I did not belong there, I did not feel wanted, I felt like an imposter.
These beliefs followed me for years and crushed me even more when I received the call. It was only when I left the country and could be far away from this that I could start the journey to rediscover myself. I could see and feel that the self-sabotaging beliefs I was carrying with me were falling down and disappearing one after another.
Why wait for the others to change when what you can do is change yourself, from the inside out?
Tell me, my dear, when is your ‘’NOW’’? When is your moment for change?
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